I’m Sorry For The Person I Became

Photo By John Estanislau

“Who I Am Hates Who I’ve Been” by Relient K might be the perfect song to define how I feel at this point in my life. In case you’re not familiar, here’s a part of the chorus:

Stop right there, that’s exactly where I lost it.

See that line, well I never should have crossed it.

Stop right there, well I never should have said

That it’s the very moment that I wish that I could take back.

I’m sorry for the person I became.

I’m sorry that it took so long for me to change.

I’m ready to try and never become that way again

‘Cause who I am hates who I’ve been.

Who I am hates who I’ve been.

“It’s the very moment that I wish that I could take back” rings true for several moments throughout my time in LA. Since moving here in 2011, I’ve changed a lot. I’ve had my heart broken not just by boys but by friends, family, and the weight of my dreams. Maybe it’s the isolation that LA brings from being such a busy city, but reality has definitely hit harder living here than it did when I was living at home. At home no one understood what I was doing. Granted, in 2008 I looked like quite the freak walking around Modesto, CA talking to my camera. The selfie wasn’t a thing yet so people just thought I was crazy. Which I loved! LET THEM THINK I’M CRAZY! I’M A GIRL WITH A DREAM AND MY CAMERA IS THE ONE WAY TICKET TO GET THERE! I didn’t care that people at home didn’t understand what I was doing. I didn’t need their affirmation or support (although it would’ve been nice) to keep pursuing this crazy new career online. What I told myself daily back then was that my dreams weren’t for people to understand. My dreams were a beautiful thing that were born in my heart, and they come to life with every step forward I take. Someday they’d see my dream become a reality, and it wouldn’t be an “I told you so” moment. It would be something I could finally share with the world and know that what I saw every night when I closed my eyes, I could see now even when I blinked—it’d be real.

When I finally made it to LA none of that mattered. It was a new caliber of crazy and me talking to my camera was child’s play in comparison. Actually, I don’t even think being a YouTuber was in a category of crazy. I feel like Hollywood filed it under “Unknown/Ignore” in 2011. The digital turning point didn’t come until 2013, but at the time, I had won a Google contest called YouTube Next Up that gave 25 creators $35,000 to invest in their YouTube career. It was basically what YouTube Red is now, in terms of featuring creators and giving them money to make next level content. There’s something that changed in me when I won that money that I wish hadn’t. I started to care about all the people who didn’t understand what I was doing. I started to change everything about myself and how I created because I wanted them to get it. I wanted to be taken seriously. How could anyone ever take me seriously if I spent the majority of my time playing World of Warcraft and lip dubbing to my favorite songs on YouTube. The songs weren’t even my own that I was lip dubbing. They were songs I loved but did nothing for my brand because I didn’t own them. I didn’t want to become the girl who was famous for a moment because of an Owl City song. I wanted more. They needed more of me. I needed to show them that I was more—that I had more to offer and that I wasn’t a one hit wonder.

I lost weight, I started painting my nails, I got a haircut that cost more that $12, I stopped wearing hoodies all the time, I started wearing makeup, I started making meetings, and I started to play “The Game”—something I thought at the time was essential to making it in LA. A part of me felt like I was betraying who I was by making all these changes, but another part felt like this was growing up. I was investing in myself and taking pride in how I presented myself to the world. It was definitely a good thing for my self-esteem because, up until that point, I had never learned to put on makeup or dress girly. I always felt that when I tried, the whole world noticed, and if I didn’t fit the mold I would’ve have failed at being a girl or something. IDK! I’m crazy. My logic never makes sense lol. Spoiler alert, that was just an insane fear I had built up in my head and in no way could ever be true. I was also holding myself to impossibly unrealistic standards that every girl does.

For the most part these changes were good… but what changed that I wish hadn’t?

I wish I hadn’t stopped believing in myself.

I think I thought that maybe if I hit a certain milestone in subscribers or maintained a certain number of views, something in me would change. Maybe a certain brand deal would come in and affirm in me that I was enough—I was worth it. But no matter where I found success, it wasn’t enough because I started off trying to accomplish all these goals/dreams with the foundation being “I’m not enough.”

I’m in tears now thinking about how hard I’ve worked since I started my YouTube channel all those years ago and how far away I’ve gotten from the person I once was.

I started my YouTube channel because I was alone. I thought maybe I could find friends online who were like me—I found much more than that. I found a family I didn’t know I had. I found inspiration, creative freedom, and endless possibilities. I found hope for a future career that didn’t exist. I felt like a trailblazer in the wild west with every new milestone the YouTube community hit. I felt a sense of responsibility to be 100% myself and show love and joy to every person who visited my channel. I wanted to be a changing force in the world, and I had hoped that when people would subscribe to my channel they’d see that. They’d see me and maybe in their heart think they could be themselves too. I’m on a journey back to that. I’ll measure my success not by views or fluctuating algorithms, but by how proud I am of what I’ve made. I’m changing my mindset and letting go of who I used to be. This website is just the beginning, and what follows will be more of who I am now. Thank you for reading this. Thank you for supporting me. A million times over—thank you.

Love Meghan

Share:
  • jacqυєℓιnє 💜🎗

    This was amazing Meghan <3 You've came a long way from YouTube and im so proud!

  • Angela Hernandez

    We love you, Meghan! so proud

  • deanskreeper .KimjongdaesTrash

    “I wanted to be a changing force in the world, and I had hoped that when people would subscribe to my channel they’d see that. They’d see me and maybe in their heart think they could be themselves too.”

    You have done it.. You inspired a lot. I’m one of them 😊❤

  • taylor molina

    Meghan I love you so much. Thank you for everything you have done for me. xoxo Sburry17

  • Anthony Tucker

    Meghan you are the best person ever you help me when I feel really bad about myself and my day all I have to do is watch one of your videos and feel a lot better you inspire me so much I would love the be as great, caring and inspiring as you are some day

  • Hector Manuel Elias Oliver

    Meghan, ever since the first time I saw one of your videos I completely fell in love with your content. Every single time I see one of your videos in my subscription feed, I get excited.
    I love the person you were, the person you are, and the person you choose to be. That’s because of you. I may not know you in real life, but the person I’ve known through YouTube, Instagram, and Facebook is someone incredible who deserves to be successful in anything you want to do.
    Keep in mind, that just like me, there are many people who will support you no matter what you do.
    I’m so proud of you!

  • lexi // 5 ♡

    I’m so incredibly proud of you Meghan! you’ve come so far as a person, as well as a creator. i’m so glad that you are who you are, and that you exist. I grew up on your channel 🙂 and it’s a really cool thing to see you in such a good place!! i am adoring the website so far 💜 Thank you for everything!!

  • Kennedy Weber

    Meghan I’ve followed you through it all and I’m not going to stop!! I want you to put out WHATEVER content you want. Your videos are more entertaining to watch when it’s something the real you loves or wants to do! It even feels more meaningful. I’ve seen it in your gaming videos, you seem to be having tons of fun with friends! I’ve always admired your confidence and success even when downtrodden you still continue on. I look forward to everything you’ve got coming and wish you the absolute best in your journey ! Love you so much! KEEP DOING YOU!!

  • Emma Pedersen

    Ahh I love you Meghan, if your happy then I’m happy for you, so proud of you and the person you are. I look up to you so much and you have been an amazing role model as I journey through life.

  • Marni C

    Meghan we are all so proud of you! So many people wish to be like you, not caring what people say and just being yourself. Your content and your constant happiness has helped so many people but remember sometimes its ok not to be ok. Meghan we all love you! <3

  • Devilzchild3431

    Megan, I just wanted to say a couple things. I’ve been a fan of yours since before you started lifeburry, (like waay back in myspace days, i found a your video of you doing a musix vid to Disturbia, even sent you a message back then about it. ) so in a way I’ve watched you grow up. All of lifeburry, the move to L.A. all of it. Things happen and people change, sadly our environments do a lot of that changing for us.

    For me, where I am, what I do… I feared would be my outcome when I was 17… I just turned 30 and also had a realisation like this. I’m currently fighting myself and surroundings, to change my life and improve, however I have some big demons to fight. I’ve embraced my demons forever so this will be a while new world for me…

    I just want to say/remind you, we are ever changing. We lose people, people use us. We can feel all alone surrounded by people, even loved ones. However it gets better. It has to get better. Stay being We some and moving forward.

  • Sarah Shapiro

    No matter what you do, no matter how you change. I will always be right here. I want you to know you mean that much to me. I love you… i don’t say that often enough.

  • Ceekayehm

    Meghan, there is something genuine about you that has kept me lurking in the background. I actually found you through Cat. I fell in love with the honesty you gave us in your daily vlogs. That was years ago and I can honestly say whenever you come back to clogging I’m always willing to drop everything to watch your new uploads. There are a lot of youtubers I stopped watching. They age but their content still stays young. I spend my time watching those that have aged with their content. This is rare with the OG Youtubers. It seems like everyone dis well at accertain point and they had all of these offers that completely changed them.You’re one of the few I can’t quit and I want nothing more than to see you truly happy with everything in your life.

  • Breena

    Let me tell you this: I’m an artist and it’s really hard to find inspiration and support because you feel like a dead weight and that you’re art sucks even though you’ve heard many people say: it’s wonderful!
    I remember when I first watched you’re videos and for a little bit people thought I was crazy for playing video games but then I realized the people that do play video games they are not just competitive but overly supportive.
    You might have felt that to be noticed you have to be girly but the best way to get noticed is saying that you feel comfortable in you’re own skin.

  • Mikayla Bettner

    👏👏 I applaud you!!! It still took a lot of guts and determination to get to where you are now.

    Love Mikayla

  • Mac Tomlinson

    We love you so much Meghan!! ❤️

  • Dave

    Awesome new site. Don’t worry about trying to fit a mold. Your individuality is your most wonderful quality. As far as changing the world, remember the smallest drop can make waves. If your video or blog makes a positive difference in the life of one person that is important. Remember also that the lives you touch, touch others , and those lives others, you have done and will continue to do good in this world.

  • Richardheaton

    When people think of the difference beteeen a movie star and a YouTuber, they mostly put YouTube at the bottom. But, thr truth is YouTubers like you put in just as much effort and creativity as the big stars. If you’re not proud of what you do or not happy with it, just re-work where your effort goes. It’s never going to be the end if something happens, just another way to start something new.

    Whatever you choose to do, you will be the best at it and we will all support you. If something makes you happy, it will show in your work, and will be great, something that you’re proud of, as well as us.

  • Emilyb91

    Dear Megan,
    I understand about social and media pressure that comes with being “famous” but may I say that you have been my inspiration. I like you am very Tom boy ish even at the age of 26 and I wore t-shirts/jeans and a hoodie. I wear only mascara & lipstick. Yet when I see you I want to be you! Beautiful. Recently I have a new job and have changed my normal outfits to smart office style trousers & blouses. A lot of people think I am 18/19 years old as I always wear a ponytail with a side/full fringe. I hate my natural curly fizzy hair the most as I straighten it every day. I want to change this but I get so hot & bothered during work that I prefer my hair off my neck. I want to look my age so I’m currently getting more interested in makeup like yourself. Can you offer me any advice or suggestions It would be approached.
    Sending you love and support

    Emily. B from the UK x

  • Megan Anne

    💜💜 love you! You are an amazing inspiration. Thank you for being you!

  • Karen Novakowski

    We’re all here for you, Meghan. We like listening to you, not a facade. Not a masquerade. Not the person you feel you need to be to please others. YOU. No matter what changes you go through, we’ll support them, as long as they’re right for you.
    P.S. I’ve never related to something so much. Thanks for making me feel a little less alone.
    P.P.S. I love that song, too.

  • Kathena Danielle Lin

    I found you through Andrew Bravener and the VlogCandy days. It did sadden me to notice that your content changed so much and that even though I felt a connection with you, I was disconnected from the content that you began to produce. You inspired me, and you continue to inspire others with your self awareness and your relationship with Christ. My Meghan super fan self from years ago is so happy to read this and I’m rooting for you to be able to be yourself 100%, unashamedly on Youtube and to share that with the world.

  • Just Rex

    Thank you so much for writing this.

    I started watching your videos back in 2011. Back then I was also alone, recovering from my own traumas, and figuring out who I wanted to be for myself and for others. Your “Draw My Life” video really struck me because up until that point I always saw your videos and thought, “This chick has it together,” but realized after listening to you talk about how you struggled made you seem more like myself. More human, I guess. Years later, I’ve started making my own content focused on my own growth (I’m transgender) and I always think back to watching your videos and thinking, “I’d never be able to put myself out there”. Turns out I can, and it’s probably greatly due to you doing the same before me.

  • alymagiccow

    Meghan we are all so incredibly proud of you! You work so hard and it shows, your content is awesome and I love seeing things that you truly love making and doing on your channel! I’ve only been following you for a couple of years but you have brought so many smiles and so much happiness into my life! Love you Meghan and keep doing what you love ❤️❤️❤️

  • Julia Annin

    I have been considering starting a Youtube channel for a while now for the same reasons! All my friends live far away, and I never get to see them (or really talk to them) and I’m not super close to my family. I worry though, because I don’t know how to do the technical side of making Youtube videos, and I don’t know anyone who could teach me. I am so glad that you shared this. It gives me hope that I can start a Youtube and that I can make friends one day. Being an adult and watching everyone else branch out and make new friends and find new passions, even though I am extremely proud of them, is hard. I feel left out. And I imagine if you felt left out and alone too, the whole process of becoming who you are now must have taken a lot of bravery, patience, and confidence. I applaud you and thank you for everything you have done for yourself. The best part is, we get to see who you are and what you do, and be inspired by you! Thanks for loving and taking care of yourself, because that takes a lot of bravery and really allows all of us to learn how to also love ourselves. <3

  • sarah

    <3